Comments: A Pharmacological Phamily.
So Happy Together, by the Turtles
I am not sure if I should reply with a hang in there post, or a post sharing what your post sent flooding back to me were memories Ive kept underwrap for so long, I sit here struggling, am I jumping in where I dont belong? am I going to appear as if I am a fake wanne be I get your struggle type?
I'm real.
So I add this, post, and think, I will take the non- worry route and just post what I typed.
First, I read this, leaning further into the screen and thought about the courage it takes to write about yourself.I was sent into visions of my childhood, that I have carefully managed to stow away, somewhere, that no one else can find them. Some how by doing this, I was able to preserve my soul over my growing years, and then as an adult have managed quite well keeping my own past to myself. I thought wow, this is running in bits parallel to my life in different ways but I have the ability to wear others' shoes is what Ive always told people, "for some reason". I was going to post as anon, and thought, why? This is me. This is who I am and how I got here was pretty intense.
So many memories come back to me when I read your post. Im not a good writer. But what struck me was reading thinking wow, I'm not the only one with a song and a memory of crying in a car for a parent. Several times.
It was Christmas when I was 4 years old. My Dad was a raging alcoholic, and broke plates for venting. Which through careful self analyses, when I turned 30, I suddenly saw my cupboard in the kitchen. It was loaded with plates. I never had noticed how many plates I had bought, until I became the neighbor with the most plates for block parties, and I thought "why do I own stacks of plates?" then I remembered. The plate breaking nights, where, in the middle of the night I was ran across the street in my mother's arms to a a neighbor who let me sleep there. I would sob and cry, and my memory is blacked out after that, I never remember going home. (this is why it is so hard for me to leave my daughter at psych hospitals, especially when, in her most sickest days, would scream at me that I gave her away and left her there because I didnt love her)
In the car Christmas Eve, I was excited he was taking me driving to watch for Santa Claus. He would show me every airplane light in the sky and say, there he is, where we were headed to,though, was the liquor store.
My brother was older than I was, and one of the trips, he came along. At the time his bike was in the trunk of the car, and my Dad stopped the car.Got out, took the bike, and drove one handed while hanging onto the bike out the car window. He then let loose, and ran over the bike so many times it was horrible.
There are so many things that have come flooding back by reading your post, thank you for sharing.
One of the last times I attempted to see my Dad who died when I was 8, was when my Mom drove to where he worked, (they were then divorced) and I wanted to show him my pet parakeet. So my mom let me take the cage in the car, and I waited in the car with my bird. There was arguing, and she came out alone and we drove away.
The radio was on, and "So Happy Together" by the Turtles was on the radio.
I think at a really young age I was determined to not let life take me out.
I was in a car accident with my mom and brother. I was okay, but my mom wasnt, she was unconscieous and I sat in the backseat and watched my brother open the hood of the car and with his bare hands put out a fire, get my mom out of the car and then sit me on the side of the road. That is when I witnessed courage and bravery and thought, nothing can stop me now. I want to be like him.
Thanks for sharing your life on here, I had no idea, I needed to read what youve been typing, I mean this sincerely. I have had to be a really strong force for a really long time, and maybe I needed to remember how I got to where I am today. I dont know if this makes sense, but your posts remind me to remain courageous.
Posted by Stephany at June 30, 2006 03:02 PM
I forgot to add, that I hope you get some restful and peaceful sleep.Take care.
Posted by Stephany at July 1, 2006 07:21 AM