Comments: The Dangers Of Therapist Love
This is a topic that always makes my skin crawl because it brings back really bad memories. After what I've been through I would never put myself in a room with a male therapist/psychiatrist with the door closed. I must have a big sign on my forehead that says "Sucker" because I've had a male therapist write me poetry & show up at my home (uninvited) & then my male psychiatrist invited me to vacation with him & also showed up at my home (uninvited). Both had put me in the psych ward prior to their advances. I ended up telling on both of them. The first lost his license (because he moved on from me to a 14 or 15 year old girl) & my former psychiatrist ended up in front of the state board but is still practicing (I didn't testify against him - biggest regret of my life). I was not in love with either of them, but I did trust & respect them. There are some sick fucks in this business.
Posted by Lisa at April 30, 2008 08:24 AM
I think therapist love is much more common than any of us know. There are, of course, cases of therapists/counselors who take advantage of their patients. On the other hand, I believe it is easy for a patient who is going through hellish life circumstances not to fall for the "rescuer", the only one that seems to listen and care, and just as easy for a therapist, as the rescuer, to fall for the patient. I personally have seen this happen to several friends and acquaintances. A woman I work with was the wife of a pastor who while counselling individually with a couple in his church that was having marriage problems, ended up leaving his family and running off with the woman. Of course these relationships rarely last, and her ex deeply regrets his actions as he left a happy, amicable marriage for one that is now miserable, and in the process, alienated his children and lost his profession. A prominant minister/counselor in my city has warned that it is never good for a male to counsel a female with no witnesses present to hold them both accountable and the male/female counselling relationship was discontinued at his church. It's just about natural human weakness, emotions, and attractions--good people with good intentions lose their heads sometimes. When I was in college I developed a major crush on the orthopedic surgeon who operated on my broken finger, lol. I was a music major and he was so "concerned" that given the nature of the fracture it would not heal properly and would affect my piano playing. Wow did I develop a crush on that "caring" man. Duh!!
Posted by preciousrock at May 1, 2008 12:16 AM
I don't doubt that there are women (and men) who go in & fall madly in love with their therapists. I read it on different blogs & I do realize some people are quite obsessed with their therapists.
There are a few things that bother me about this topic. First is the assumption/stereotype that this is what women do. Some women. Not all women. I didn't go in and throw myself at my therapist. I didn't go in and wink at him & seduce him. I was too damn tired, and he wasn't exactly all that. Not all women fall madly in love.
Second, is that this assumption makes it difficult to be taken seriously when there is abuse. The assumption, again being, that the woman started it or wanted it, or whatever. It just makes it more difficult.
Third, I have a difficult time seeing how "processing" this "love" for one's therapist serves the patient's interests. So, we go with the assumption that this all goes back to the patient's relationship with their father. The patient didn't realize when they went into therapy that they had a problem with their father? Really? So, they spend years in therapy shelling out hundreds of dollars processing that this "love" for their male therapist is really about their father? I really question therapists who encourage this kind of crap. I think that it feeds their ego & I don't really see how it serves the patient's interests.
Fourth, I would like to see a study that examines why therapists are so enamored with this topic to the point of obsession.
Posted by Lisa at May 1, 2008 03:49 PM
Look, I've been there and done that. I now realize that I purposely chose a therapist who had trouble with women. I later learned he is a misogynist. It had nothing to do with my dad, who was okay--my therapist was like my abusive mother. I think the major ripoff is that we aren't warned this could happen. I might have needed therapy to survive, but maybe I could have found some other way to survive without having four-and-a-half years of therapy with a guy who had issues. The irony is that it reinforced my social phobia. From therapy, I learned that I am so despicable that not even a therapist could care. That was actually a useful lesson, because it's cured me from any but superficial relationships.
Posted by Jude at May 1, 2008 07:47 PM
"Fourth, I would like to see a study that examines why therapists are so enamored with this topic to the point of obsession."
Hi Lisa - two words: vicarious thrills. Those who get away with it are indulging on everyone else's behalf.
Posted by Ruth at May 2, 2008 06:19 AM
Hey, Ruth long time no see. How are you? Vicarious thrills...I think you're on to something. LOL.
PreciousRock, while I agree that attraction & strong feelings can be "natural," (although therapists should not assume that this is a given in therapy) the point at which it's not natural human weakness is when it's acted upon.
Those in the counseling profession have been told since the very beginning that it is a violation of their professional code of ethics & in many cases against state law to cross this boundary. Those that cross it do so because they believe that rules and laws do not apply to them. A therapist or minister who crosses this line does so because they place their own needs above all else. This is predatory behavior. Everyone else be damned, I'm going to do what I want. You have to wonder about a person who sexualizes the relationship with someone who comes to them for help. Most therapists do not cross this line, thus it would seem that if it were normal and natural that no one else could help themselves either. Yet, most don't violate the client's trust. Why is that the case? I think it's because some people have a moral compass that tells them that's it's not okay to break laws and hurt people, and then there are others who just don't care.
My therapist who lost his license wrote a 40+ page confession. For many years this sat in my 3rd therapist's office (the only sane therapist who treated me) and for the first time I think it was in Oct or Nov I read his statement. He talked about how the moment I walked in his office he began having sexual fantasies about me. He talked about how he chose the victims he chose. He said he chose women(and a 14/15 y/o) who were very depressed and isolated from other people because he knew they were particularly vulnerable and also because he believed they wouldn't tell anyone. And, so what Freud has to say about transference doesn't mean jack shit to me. This is not about me or my relationship with my family. This is about "them."
Posted by Lisa at May 4, 2008 12:47 AM