Furious Seasons

July 13, 2007

A Reader's ECT Experience

The following was sent to me by SS, a reader, who wanted me to post it. I'll let it speak for itself.

In the evening, the place I was in took a rhythm of it’s own. People fell asleep on chairs, and games of checkers and chess sat on the table, half played, like a lone sandwich sitting next to them.

It was nighttime. The patients had all been fed, and medicated, and were left in front of the TV while something as insipid as the Home Shopping Channel droned on providing white noise.

I had been in this locked ward for approx 20 days. My insurance, though I did not know it at the time, pooped out at 30.

And I hadn’t gotten better, I had gotten worse.

My doctor, who ran the hospital had unbeknownst to me called in my parents for a meeting, as well as the three doctors under him. All I knew was tonight I didn’t have my supper; instead one of the nurses helped me in the shower and bathed me because I was too catatonic to do so. She helped me get dressed and finally put on those slipper socks that all the inmates wear because our shoes had all been stripped of their laces.

She walked me out of the locked ward, stopping at the Christmas tree by the Nurses station in the main part, and let me touch an ornament. I smiled. We went into the doctor’s office and there was my mom, and dad sitting on a plushy bluish purple sofa, and three doctors I never saw before.

“Mr. and Mrs. S” went my doctor – “We’ve tried everything on your daughter but she is extremely depressed and still suicidal. We’ve tried several different drug therapies and nothing is working, and we are left with two things. She has ten days left on her insurance and if she is still like the way she is now, we will be forced to put her in a state hospital. Or we can try ECT”.

ECT was then explained to my parents, and they saw a video. And with the State’s leading expert on ECT who told them he would be personally administering it, papers were signed, I was convinced by mom and dad “ do this to make your mother happy”, and the next day woken up at 5 am to be driven to the local teaching hospital for my first round.

This isn’t the time or place to get into the fine details. Suffice it to say I was strapped down to a gurney and got poked prodded, IV’ed and what not. I saw monitors and a little contraption by my bedside that looked like R2D2. When the good doctor got to me, I had my treatment, later waking up and changing back to my street clothes and out of those hospital garbs that show your ass to the universe.

What was unusual was when they asked me who the President was; I thought it was Bill Clinton. But I got the other questions correct and maybe it’s a good thing to forget a few years of history.

But as the treatments went on, I noticed several things. I had a photographic memory prior. I could not recall huge events in my life. I would look at family pictures and know something happened but couldn’t recall it. Huge chunks of my adolescence and childhood went Poof! I also had the ability to recall in graphic detail every book I had ever read from “Green Eggs and Ham” to the last book I had been reading in the hospital which was of all weird things “ A Noonday Demon’. I had been a contestant on Jeopardy. Now I couldn’t even name the hosts name.

I couldn’t read anymore. I couldn’t even read a newspaper. I couldn’t watch TV. I forgot how to get to places I was driving to, even though I had been driving the same routes for years.

Now this may seem trivial. To some people, thinking the last president was Clinton could be a good thing. To some people forgetting horrible adolescence is a good thing.

But when you are a writer, someone who makes their LIVING out of writing, and cannot anymore its death.

Imagine you are an Olympic athlete or a pro ball player. You are injured to such an extent that you are living, but your career is gone. All you have, as a reminder that you were once one of the best in your field are medals, trophies, articles. But it’s all gone. This is your identity. Your whole life has been building up to this career, and it’s all gone, what do you do?

Coach. What do you do if your brain able to recall things well enough to teach/coach? You are a baseball player and you can’t explain to someone the difference between a ball and a bunt?

In other words, your body is living, breathing thing. Everything is working fine, your heart, your legs, and your eyes. But what about the brain? It’s like going into a house that has just been sold and is lying vacant while the new owners wait to get in. Functional but no one home.

ECT is one of those things, which seems to have its pros and cons, each group vocal. I mentioned to a friend today I was writing something about ECT and she acted like I was writing about clubbing baby seals.

I can tell you that the man who was next to me in all my treatments did fine. His memory loss was minimal. It helped him.

But I will also tell you that those of us who have had the bad experiences are afraid to or don’t know how to write or talk about their experience.

I tell people to please make sure about ECT- it’s a procedure. Know the pros and cons and don’t let a doctor coerce you into ANY procedure. Get a second opinion. Be informed. Ask to see the facility if possible, and talk to the nurses who will be assisting.

For me, it was a mistake. Most of my memory did come back 5 years later. I no longer act like a stroke victim where I cannot string two sentences together when I talk, and point to the TV when I mean the Fridge. I can read, and I can look now at my library and recall the majority of the books I have read, albeit not in such graphic detail, hut I will settle for that.

What I cannot settle for is it destroyed my writing career. My rasion d’etre. Everything I write now seems Sophomoric, and I struggle to do that. It’s like “Flowers For Algernon”, I have been a genius, and now I am sub standard. It pains me. It’s also humbled me.

I wrote earlier had I had a gun after my treatment ended, I would have eaten it. I still feel that way now. What holds me back is the hope that if it took 5 years for my memory to right itself. Maybe my writing will come back. But to go from writing at a degree of a Hemingway- to now where most days all I can write is “Pat the Bunny” has destroyed my heart and my soul.

Posted by Philip Dawdy at July 13, 2007 12:03 AM

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Comments

This story, though the author feels the agony of the loss of writing ability, is eloquent, moving and I am very thankful to read it.

Though I cannot comment on ECT, I feel I should say that when my gifted, avid reader age 19 daughter came out of a long hospital loop that involved mega-doses of over 13 medications and went back to High School; she no longer could read, write or put words into sentences verbally or in written form. She had been tested for reading ability at age 8 and was age 29 reading level/all comprehension.
After mega doses [40mg of Zyprexa for example]of medications,her return to High School was at 2nd grade reading level.She was being taught how to write again, and she would cry when she saw her bookshelf. Her teacher commented "She looks like a stroke victim." She had to re-learn how to tell time, yet never could keep track of the day of the week. She too, knows what she lost. When I recently told a doctor how she wrote a report about non violent protests and Gandhi, she pointed to her heart and cried.

I am so sorry for everyone who has had a psychiatric treatment that leaves a person's heart and soul crushed.

Posted by: Stephany at July 13, 2007 08:24 AM

Heartbreaking and familiar. Thanks for posting this, Philip.

Posted by: Francesca Allan at July 13, 2007 09:40 AM

from the letter "I hadn’t gotten better, I had gotten worse"

Now that couldn't be psychiatry that made you worse, could it? No it was that terrible illness you had.

The legal jailing for the crime of having a chemically imbalance brain[joke there is no chem test] and the prescribed chemicals were good for you right?
Everyone enjoys prison, prison inmates, and dope.

IMO They beat the depression out of your soul(or scared/terrified you "sane"), great treatment in this modern age.
Depression can't come back of course.(joke)
Neither can you learn from the past, that you are very likely to repeat.

Posted by: Mark(p.s.2) at July 13, 2007 02:04 PM

You are not alone. Having undergone over 20 treatments during one hospital admission--involuntary, to 15 the last admission. I am now faced with the consequences of having to write each and everything down. The worst part is the first waking moments---when you have no idea where you are or in my case--not even able to recall my own name. It took days for even the most basic of memories to return, like how to tie my shoes.
I now have a psychiatric advance directive---so I will not have those kind of decisions left to someone else.
My life will never ever be the same. I just have to do things within my own power to make it the best it can be.

Posted by: BamaGal at July 13, 2007 03:39 PM

BamaGal, I'm curious, were you shocked in Alabama. My life was destroyed when my family had me illegally committed there.

Posted by: Sally at July 13, 2007 10:41 PM

What a profound piece of writing. The healthcare system, medicines regulator and Pharma ought to hang their heads in shame... don't hold your breath though.

Keep writing, you have a great talent there and one that can be used as a voice (tool) for those considering ECT.

Like you say, ECT works for some people pretty much in the same way Paxil does but to an outsider looking in it looks like some sort of torture treatment carried out by doctors and nurses who would be more suited wearing Nazi attire.

The ECT stripped you of your memory but not your writing skills. Stand loud and stand proud... Get Blogging.

Respect

Fid

Posted by: BOB FIDDAMAN at July 13, 2007 11:59 PM

Well. i have to say i know about ECT, and i have had it done twice..and both times regardless of ill effects or not it saved my life, and actaully stopped my horrible addiction to self injury the last time. The first time i had 6 sessions with no memory loss, nothing bad to say about it, but i admit to the second time having memory loss about the previous three months..pretty much were wiped out..but i was in such sucidial depression at the time im not sad any longer about the memory loss.
Some people who have mental illness seem to have a more profound sense of things, such things like writing..when i was ill i use to write poems and stories all the time, and now that im better haven't had depression since november, when i had the ECT and im no longer on meds i don't use my writing skills but i personally believed i used my writing to help me cope..it was a outlet for me, and now i don't need it as much.

Im sorry you loss your sense for doing it but if it was something you had a passion for read up on it again study it and get that passion rolling again...??? Go through your old work?? at least your memory has returned and your doing better, its something to be greatful for! And when you are sick you have nothing pushing you to move on...and maybe things didn't work out the bets for you but thats the case with ECT it DOESN"T effect everyone the same way. Your writing skills are better then mine..that might not be saying much but be proud of what you have and what you have to look forward to instead of concentrating on the past..its over..your life sitll goes on and the future is what counts.
I also do admitt ot having memory loss of some things i wish i hadn't lost like special events with my husband..but im alive, and i don't want to stick that gun in my mouth anymore..i want to live everyday to its fullist and thats the best satisfaction i could have, because i never in my life felt that way before the ECT...so im a person who experienced some memory loss to and yes it was tramitic at the time it happen..(i even forgot i was suppose to start a new job) but the gift for life and the enjoyment of life i will take anyday.

For 20 some years all i wanted to do was die, i hated life..i begged god for a anwer on why he put me here to suffer like this...and i may never know why i had to suffer through the hard times, but i know the good times i have had will make up for the downfalls of the past..like my mental illness causing me to become a drug addict to block away the pain,all i wanted to do was get so meesed up to forget everything, i didn't care if i died or not..i tried overdosing NUMEROUS times (but i still here) and causing me to do so many other things like cut myself to bleed...to feel the pain somewhere else.. i will take some memory loss to never be that person again.
ECT has persoanlly saved my life i will take my life and future possibilities, over some memory loss personally.

Im sorry i may have strong thoughts on this...but its not even about the ect its about finally leading a healthy non depressed life

Posted by: L at July 14, 2007 08:09 PM

I read your story and I have heard many more and I do agree that ETC can't harm people terribly. However, in your particular case, and based on the information you have given...it seems to me that it did help you. I mean, yes, you have suffered a memory loss...you are not able to write...BUT you are no longer catatonic or suicidal...right? You ARE 'functioning'. Right?

Posted by: suzy at July 16, 2007 11:29 AM

Sally---oh yeah---right here at the state hospital---from my own research---it has been a big treatment of choice at that facility

Posted by: BamaGal at July 17, 2007 12:23 PM

I knew a former student from my jr. high that had that treatment in the 70's. She couldn't remember anything from her past. It's like frying your brain on drugs, only it's voltage. She wasn't depressed anymore because she couldn't remember why.
I think that's what it's designed for. To erase that part of the brain that stores memory. What's the good in that if it leaves you a "talking" monkey!!! So sad that modern science hasn't come up with a less invasive approach to relieve severe drug-resistant depression. YOu'd think by now we'd have a host of "wonder" drugs???

Posted by: Del at July 17, 2007 03:11 PM

I found this link at Charlotteville Prejudice Watch to a medical student blog that is discussing ECT.

From the blog:

"ECT comes into play because pharmacological treatments generally take four to six weeks to be effective– and sometimes it might be too dangerous to wait that long in the very severest cases of suicidal intent."
Short White Coat.

Posted by: Stephany at July 29, 2007 12:13 PM

functioning? You are functioning?

I've just read it and this is the link that brought me here:

http://ifyouregoingthoughhellkeepgoing.blogspot.com/2008/11/action-alert-stop-forced-ect-of-man-in.html

Visit it.

Posted by: Ana at November 9, 2008 02:34 AM