Furious Seasons

October 02, 2006

The Dog Days Of October

I often dread October. For me, it is the roughest time of year when depression comes at me like a sledgehammer and life becomes difficult. That's OK. I know it's coming and I know I can get through it without slapping myself with gobs of meds. The last few years my autumnal depression has been beginning in September (last year was pretty rough for a couple of weeks), but so far this year it hasn't kicked in. Probably because I am too busy—several 60 hours weeks in a row—for my mind to become depressed. Well, that's just a guess about the dynamic, one that I will be able to test this month since I will be very busy once my brief vacation is over later this week.

Posted by Philip Dawdy at October 2, 2006 12:03 AM

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I have skipped October in my mind on purpose for this reason.

Wishing you a good October.

If I may share a bit, here re: dreading times of the year: mine is so bad, I throw up when I think about it being October. This started last night. It's awful. But it is what I am riding above the best I can do, and am making sure I remain focused. Hard to do.
Yes, I said throw up. Vomit. The dread for me is so bad, last week I never sat down, getting a momentum going that I hope will sail me through this month; mentally.

Youre not alone.

Oh, and when I read that post of yours a while back, that just killed me. I truly hope you have a super month this month.

Take care,
Stephany

Posted by: Stephany at October 2, 2006 08:02 AM

I would like to make a formal announcement here as well.

I have officially sought real help and treatment for my bipolar.

The high gear I was in last week stopped and shifted upward into a uncharted area for me.
Paranoia, racing mind, wanting to rip off my head, just to name a few, the lack of sleep.

This was all preceded by me thinking I could single handedly change the world, and oh I was doing it.
Yes, I had the plans to have business cards made up with not just a name, but ala Madonna and Cher, I was to be "Stephany" -Your 24/7 Advocate". Due to helping another person get care per the patient's request, I went to the ER and helped this person get help.

Ignoring my own mind, and basic soul, I started that day by being driven by my heart, yet, energized by mania, short and simple.

The end result was not good.

I must say an enormous THANK YOU to Philip, who responded to my email for help:it was pretty obvious I was in big fat crash and burn trouble.

I got the doc on the phone, who prescribed Seroquel to sleep last night. I slept like a rock, and my mind slowed down. Which I could not have coped with one more day, if my mind did not stop, I would be in the hospital right now.

I have an appointment today with the doc.

I truly know, last night I would have ended up myself in an ER if I did not get sleep.

I want to tell anyone who is reading this, that denial is not gonna keep you alive.

I had every reason in the book not to go on meds besides the one I was on for "anxiety". I was in a state of refusal that sent me into orbit.

The thing is, this time, it scared me to death.

I lost control of my mind, I felt insane.

When I read the link to the other entry, about the Journalist, and saw the word "insane" there...well, I could feel it.

Two nights ago, I was sick, vomiting, and being driven crazy by fear of hospitals (though never been a patient before)fear of meds, (though I tell others to make sure they take theirs).

I was irrational and just plain gone.

The worst hit yesterday by the afternoon. I got on the phone to the doc negotiating meds being called in per my promise to show up today to my appointment.

I got the medication by about 6pm.

I have to say, in the funny hypomanic style...I walked out of the pharmacy with a huge smile, thinking to myself "Let the madness stop!" which actually made me laugh. Then I realized I was a person laughing outloud, while walking.

My one night of excellent sleep has gotten me off of the ceiling, and now can function today.

The rest will follow.

I want anyone reading to know, I have the same fears of medications that some may have, and they are not about typical side effects.

I didn't want to lose myself.

My spirit, my "spunk".

What's important to understand and totally "get"...is that if you do not treat this illness, and take the medication for it, you could lose more than that, like your life.

I was seriously paranoid that I would wake up this morning a flat zombie, without spirit.

Seriously, was worried one tiny pill would strip me of my personality.

Guess what?

I'm still here, and am on my way to managing this illness in an informed and intelligent way.

The relief that I had, when I made the appointment was so great, that I have to admit, a few tears rolled down.
I could finally stop battling this. Denying you need help, is hard work. It is also hard to see yourself on the edge of a major meltdown and hospitalization.

Posted by: Stephany at October 3, 2006 08:48 AM

That's great Stephany. Take good care.

Gwen

Posted by: Gwen at October 5, 2006 10:03 AM

Thanks, I am.

Took 4 days to be able to attempt to write anything coherent.

Now that I have, it's pulling at my brain again, so off to sleep and hope for another day of progress.

Posted by: Stephany at October 5, 2006 09:47 PM