I'm sorry depression is upon you, but relieved that you are taking some steps to rest and relax.

Mindless exercise is helps. What about a Swedish massage? LOL

Best wishes,
Moira

Yes, I know and understand. Hang in there.

Do you increase your Lamictal during times like these? Just curious, because some people do.

I would like to address the depth that the word depression means with some people. Some readers here may understand that it is more than what we see depicted on television, as sad people staring out windows.
It actually can go beyond that, into a darker area that is the most difficult to deal with, which is suicidal ideation. The word ideation means thinking, thoughts. They can plague a person, to the point of such close proximity in the mind, it is hard to know what is a thought, what is an idea, and what one may do with those thoughts and ideas.
That being said, this currently has a grip on me and it is a horrific way to feel, when you are used to feeling pretty overly perky and optimistic. It is a shocking way to feel, and it is imperative readers understand, for those who have never dealt with a brain flooded with visions of all sorts, that it is this struggle, that takes the most courage to fight the battle, thus the reason the word 'survivor' comes back into this entry.
If I have had a mind flooded with extreme suicidal ideations, and live to tell it,because I did not take action with those thoughts; then I am the survivor. Anyone who has ever stood on the edge of darkness and was able to take a step back away from it survived something.
It really is not what society in general (drug ads on tv)depict as this person looking out a window, or research clinic ads on the radio asking us to drive on in if we feel sad and hopeless to trial a new medication.
This side of the depression that can come fast and furious, without warning is the most frightening part of bipolar. It is like a flash, a thought, a vision, sweeps past you, knocks the wind out of you, and leaves you shaking and freaked out, like a train just swept past so close your hair blew with the wind.
I am going to be brutally honest here, hoping this could help someone else reading. My first flash that shocked me recently was while driving on a bridge and stopped in traffic. I looked out the window. I was not feeling 'depressed' or 'suicidal'. I saw the water, noticed its dark grey color. That was it, when the flash happened, the vision and it was as real as a thought can get, was of me jumping into that water. My thought was interrupted by moving traffic. The only way to describe that, is that it was fast, full on bad ass and scarey. I wasn't longing for a swim. It was a death thought. Suicidal ideation really is a nice way of saying "death thoughts". I thought,
'What? what? as I drove, what was that?' I shook it off, and kept driving. The ideations just show up, like a flash of lightening, and the worst part is, you cannot control them. More followed.More are following me. They follow like a shadow.
It's a daily battle and one I hope leaves as fast as it showed up.

So how did I get through the last 24 most intense hours? I just existed. Had to just exist. Couldn't work. I could see what it was taking from me, and I couldn't even get pissed off about it. So I did a lock down on myself. I didn't drive a car.(that is abstract to some, but when we talk about having to remove things to keep self safe, it goes beyond guns,knives, meds, glass, some people drive like I do, and know that could get out of control fast). I mowed my yard. Sat with the dog. Pets are good for these days. My dog and cat were relentless in not leaving me alone. Anyone who has pets may get that. It is like they know.
Why is this hard? because there is no timeline to the end of the grip.
If anyone has gone through med withdrawals, with shakes and sweating, etc. That is another way I can describe how I got through my thinking the last couple of days, it was that intense, a true rollercoaster ride from hell, and I just had to hold onto the rail and not let go.
That all being said, I'm here.

~~"People are made of flesh and blood and a miracle fibre called courage. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960"~~~"Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point. ~C.S. Lewis~

Thank you Philip.

Thank God you know your self so well and took the steps to take care of yourself. My son is a depressed bipolar and everything you describe is what he has in the past to me when not stable.
He is 22 and has come along way learning himself. Im very proud of him. Keep fighting Philip!