How I paid for the meds?
2 house mortgages and a boatload of credit cards. Insurance just doesn't cut it the way it should. Buying the meds and not other things sometimes prevailed.

the blues, mania and anxiety recently returned, after a few good months on lamictal. i found myself with my pdoc. she looks at me and says, seroquel. i cried, absolutely not! you know i've been down that road, twice, and i prefer to actually live life vs. sleeping 16 hours a day. she said, no, no, calm down, i mean, temporarily...knock down this anxiety, etc...i'm not asking you to take this everyday. and i thought, hmmmm...why didn't i think of this. 100mg later and 20 hours of sleep later, no anxiety, and i am too tired to feel the blues. either way, i'll stay on the lamictal and the nuclear weapon will be a temporary fix...until we have meds that actually work. the cost? 300.00 plus a month. good times.

I have about 7 recurring diagnoses, from doctor to doctor, year after year, all pretty much in the same ballpark, mild schizoaffective, PTSD, Cluster B NOS personality disorder, but the constant and most debilitating is blackdog depression, and have been on Medicare for 4 years so the payment hasn't been a problem til lately.

But since everythings gone to pot under Bu$hCo, and the TX legislature was inspired by dear leader to gut funding for mental illness, I'd now have to pay half the bill for a psychiatric visit. So I'm stymied, just can't seem to get into a psychiatrist's office.

I have a 2 year old stash of Seroquel and Geodon, about 40 pills total, and a whole bottle of Effexor, un-opened, just in case. I had to beg and cajole to get that Effexor, my regular clinic doc said she'd give me one script then I was on my own for psych meds. Effexor isn't covered under new Medicare anyway, so I'm looking at no shrink or payment for pills. I try not to think about it too much, but now and then I gaze at those bottles, Effexor, Geodon and Seroquel and wonder if I'm down enough to dip into my last reserves.

I know I'm in trouble when I think about death all the time and see decay everywhere, and then go into self-neglect and pining for non-stop sleep. But who can know when you are officially "in it," does anyone have that insight? It makes no sense to police my own mind when my own mind is sliding into a ruminating, cognitive rut, at any rate the same mind isn't capable of reversing the decline, which for me is a subtle, gradual process and once in it, so awful and difficult to overcome, and met by a frankly sadistic guilt for feeling I am responsible, I am the one who let this happen.

But if I use up those meds, they'd be gone, with no way to replace them, so I just stare at the bottles and knock wood, I have my crutch, if things should get unbearable.

People live like this.

If you can get into a psych, they have samples. Ask for them. They are given samples from our favorite pharmaceutical reps. It sounds like you know what your red flags are, getting to know yourself, your trigger points, what could spiral you down, is (in my opinion)most of the answer to living with this crap. Medications as we know, are not a cure, etc. and being aware of how we react, and respond to situations can help. Take care.

How do I pay for meds? I never graduate from college. I will go to college and try to stretch it out and garner as many degrees as possible with the sole goal being maintaining my student health insurance plan and keeping those cheap drug benefits.