A Bipolar Celebrates...and Kvetches

This is something I posted on a myspace group a few weeks ago. If it says anything, it's that grappling with this nonsense over the long-term is throughly doable...and worth it:

16 years ago last month, i was formally diagnosed as a bper. it was called manic depression back then. these were the bad old days. lithium was pretty much the only option unless you were way out there, then you got haldol and other fun stuff. prozac was just barely on the market at the time. all the other anti-ds and APs were for the future.

mental illness was definetely spooky shit back then, but for some reason i wasn't too freaked when i went to the doctor. it was in san diego and it was a blazing hot day. i sat in a diamond tucked leather chair in the doctor's office. we talked. within ten minutes he had me pegged as manic-depressive.

the diagnosis was a relief. it explained a lot of things that had been happening in my world and it was nice to know that i at least had a framework within which to deal with all this shit.

as limited as meds were back then, the real problem was that you really couldn't tell anyone you had an mi. i told my folks of course. they lived 300 miles away. i told my best friend/roomie. that was it. there were no support groups. the internet was the province of cs geeks and 2400 baud acoustic modems. there was no one to talk to and no one to care.

i was pretty sure i had gotten a death sentence and was pretty sure i'd never make it to 40.

a lot has changed since--and i am glad of it. as much as i bitch about meds, the meds are better simply because there are more of them. that means more options and more chances to have something work. back in the day, if Li didn't work, then it was hard cheese for you. you got worse, took haldol and ended up in the hospital. meds these days still suck ass, of course...just not as much.

the main thing that has changed, however, is that there are more of us out there. many of us are unafraid of being who we are and getting on with life. mi isn't the death sentence and one-way ticket to the streets that it once was. we help one another. this internet thing has sorta taken off--and it's a big help to many of us, if only to stave off loneliness. you have no idea what a sea change that is for us in terms of our identities and relating to the world. then again, maybe you do have an idea.

what's more, younger folks are far more open about mi than you ever could be circa 89. i have no doubt that being able to be open about who you are has saved many a kid's ass...or at least kept them from leading a shitty, reduced life. people are fighting back against this shit with a force that just wasn't around back then.

one thing that has changed for the worse is insurance. back then, i had a 6 dollar an hour job (that's what an mba and bp got ya back then) and although it was pretty average employer-offered insurance, it was great. everything was paid for. no limits on doctor visits. no bullshit 1500 a year annual deductibles.

you all know what the deal is with insurance these days, so i'll spare you the details. but yeah it sucks and it's got to change. too many americans are going broke just trying to live.

the other thing that's got to change is that we have got to become a movement just like the cancer survivors have become. just like aids/hiv patients had to become. it's the only way to get social change in america.

so when are we all going to get together and do like ACT-UP did and go shut down wall street for a day? when are we going to show up at astra-zeneca's HQ, dump our seroquel in the lobby and refuse to leave until the bosses come down and let us bitch at them over the side effects of their meds? not to mention the price! when are we going to take over the mental health world from all the docs and public health officials? they are on our team, sure, but they just don't really KNOW how this plays out in a person's life. when are we going to....ah nevermind. you know what i'm saying.

things have gotten better. but things need to get better still.

happy anniversary to me.